The other side

The other side of the somewhat-happy post and somewhat-happy weekend is, of course, the downside. I have had some very severe moods - especially on Saturday morning a few days ago. I was very excitable, worried, anxious, agitated. I couldn't stop running around cleaning things. It was very unpleasant because I felt angry and confused, not motivated or accomplished. Although it did feel good to get a ton of cleaning done, I felt sick while I was doing it.

I was really rude to J. I felt out of control of my actions, my hands were shaking and my eyes were twitching. The whole previous week I had felt like a sack of potatoes. To "suddenly" feel like there were angry ants in my pants was less than fun. As the day progressed, I mellowed out a bit. Sunday and Monday were a bit more relaxed.

Today, however, has not been a good day. I got to work and immediately things started going wrong. Small mistakes in our most recent publication. I can't let them go. It kills me to know that preventable mistakes were made. I left work to pick up my birth control prescription at the Planned Parenthood - always a horrible experience. While there, I saw them turn away a girl who had just found out she was pregnant (I thought that was the point of PP?). Then, I got borderline sexually- harassed by the security guard, who followed me to my car, grinning sheepishly before remarking "Behave yourself." Directly after that, I tried to avoid hitting a homeless man who was walking next to my car, when he abruptly changed directions and stepped in front of my car. I hit the brakes, because I am trying to be a considerate person. I didn't even want to take a chance that I might would hit him. Then, he started yelling and cursing at me.

So I yelled and cursed back. I told a homeless man "Fuck You". Not that he could hear me, but he could see me. I am a horrible, horrible person. There I was, sitting in my new-ish beautiful Camry, in my work dress and high heels, on my way to my job that I am lucky to have, and I can do nothing with peace or gratitude except flip off and yell at a man who is most likely battling a mental illness. I've been anxious and distant all day. I feel horrible. I came home and cleaned for hours and hours. Of course, it's such a mess that it looks like I haven't done anything.

But seriously. I was just getting ready to share my thoughts with J. (we had been ignoring each other the whole night) and try to make up and communicate. Then his friend comes and starts banging on the door. Don't get me wrong, I want to be an open home. I want to help people in need (his friend is trying to overcome addiction and alcoholism and needed J's guidance). But it was just bad timing. I made a rude remark to J. I don't really get along with his friend, although I care about him - I just don't know what to say to him. And we were just sitting there in awkward silence. And then they left - I'm really angry and upset. I want to leave and fly to Bermuda and be waitress and sit on the beach and read on my days off. Really. That is what I want to do. I think I could do that for years and years and never miss this. It seems as though I'll never get to settle down, so I might as well find a way to do it for myself.

Also, it's wonderful that I'm probably bipolar. It's just great - it means that any children I would potentially have with J. (if they weren't 6-legged victims of lithium poisoning from the meds I'll have to get on) will be bipolar or schizo or alocholics cause both of our families have horrible mental health genes. Just when I start getting comfortable with the idea of settling down with a house, a husband, a dog, a family, a dishwasher, a patio, I feel like it's getting stripped away from me. Thank goodness I'm no Christian anymore, or I would have a few choice words for that sarcastic lord above.

Hopefully another happy post soon. I started this blog to be fully honest and to document my real feelings and experiences, the good and the bad. And that's what I'm going to keep doing. Not every blog can be a perfectly photographed documentation of cupcakes and hand-bound books, you know.

A bit unplugged

That's how I felt this week. Unplugged meaning, I didn't check my voice mail or my email (other than necessary work stuff). I went on a 2-day business trip with a coworker and my boss...it was a strange and tiring experience, and we did not have internet access in our hotel. I have also been mostly unplugged from my blog and my facebook...but here I am, at the waning end of a 3-day weekend and I'm trying to catch up.

I love taking pictures with my iphone. Like everyone else in the world, of course. I wanted to share a few I've taken recently.

I don't live in Joplin, Missouri but my area did experience some nasty weather for a few weeks. My street was blocked by this major tree issue here.

Again, like everyone else on the planet, I love taking pictures of my food. Especially colorful food. And then, the photo reminds me of the experience I had.

I made this smaller because it's not that special. But it's my Post-It Note garden at my work office. It kind of looks like my brain, colorful but disorganized. And poorly lit.

Forget $800 popcorn and Skittles. My friends and I sneak in grocery-store baked goods and beer into the movies in our enormous purses. Bridesmaids was an excellent flick, if not vulgar.

These are my babies. Better late than never. Basil, Mint, Bell Pepper, Jalapeño Pepper, Yellow Summer Squash, Rosemary and Tomato. I'm missing cilantro and parsley.

Yesterday a friend introduced me to Pho. It was big, it was healthy, it was vegetablely and tofu-y and I didn't really know how to eat it. It was so satisfying and hydrating in a way that made me feel like it would make me feel better if I was sick.

After I ate for about 20 minutes, my bowl still seemed full. 

Clutter Issues : Rant of the Day

Yes, this is at my house. It's right behind where I'm sitting, like an evil monkey on my back. It's not the first thing a visitor sees, but it's noticeable. All my life, I have had issues with clutter. I love the idea of "getting organized". I love the images I see in my favorite magazine of perfectly contained, labelled stuff. But these supposedly inspirational features never seem to quite apply to me. Yes, that "before" picture of the cluttered closet does look like mine. But when the dust settles, and the well-lit "after" picture is taken, I realize that:

1) Everyone in the world has a bigger closet than I have EVER had, anywhere I have ever lived. I have never actually seen a closet as big as the "small" closets in magazines/blogs.

2) I can't afford $35 linen-covered shoeboxes for all my shoes. Even though they are beautiful. And open from the front so you don't have to unstack them.

3) That canvas hanging-shelf thing that hangs perfectly even in the magazine photos, hangs crooked and all my stuff falls out the front of the shelves.

4) Even if I did have a big closet, and an unlimited credit card for Bed, Bath, and Beyond, and a wall of built-ins in my walk-in closet, I would probably still have junk piled up to the heavens and spilling out into the room.

This is just the way it is, and I've been trying to change forever (literally, since I was 5 or 6), but it often seems impossible. I'm certain this has something to do with my depression and anxiety, and judging by my mother's MUCH MUCH worse clutter problems at her home, this is something deeply ingrained from a young age.

I've dabbled in the FlyLady way. I think her methods and sweet encouragement could really help me, since it's geared toward perfectionists. I just can't ever get started. It's like I'm defeated before I begin.

Any of you have problems with clutter? or messy homes/offices? What did you do to ease the pain and turn your house/closet/life from this - to -this :

   

 photo sourced from here. 

Also, see what I mean about the stupidly big closet? And anyone else notice that getting rid of the kids really helped a lot with organization? AND if you have room for a freaking chandelier, a chest-of-drawers, an ottoman, and are able to stand in your "closet" IT'S NOT A CLOSET, IT'S A ROOM.

This has been M's Rant of the Day. Thank you for tuning in.

I'm glad you fellows liked the somewhat - positive post.

Let's do it again.

Success Stories:
- I ALMOST got my to-do list at work done today.
- I decided to take the time to stop at my favorite coffee shop for a coffee and bagel and to read and blog instead of forcing myself to go straight to the grocery store/errand after work.

Gratitudes/Happy Things:
- They are playing Sufjan Stevens at the coffee shop; I haven' heard the album in a while and it reminds me of my old friend in a happy way. I just caught myself singing This aloud. Woops.
- It's a really, really nice afternoon instead of being stormy or cold or rainy as it has been.
- I have nothing on my schedule for this weekend except a little afternoon party on Sunday.

Challenges/Cheerleading:  (or, concerns and possible hopeful solutions?)
-I haven't been sleeping well the last 2 nights because of anxiety, but tonight is another opportunity to get back into a better routine.
-My house still looks like a BOMB exploded. Really. I'm not exaggerating this time. I would like to take a few minutes each day for the rest of the week to get it cleaned up by the weekend.

I found a link to this at Poppytalk. It reminds me of the sign I made for above my dorm-room bed during my difficult freshman year of college, which said "__ is a great place to be and you like it."

I was trying for the positive reinforcement. It took a few more yrs to sort of settle in.

Life Update In the Form of Positives.

I don't know who originated this "positives' thing...but I have been reading it for a while over at Miss Sarah's Lunatic Express (I added the Miss Sarah part). I've seen it around in a couple of other places, like the Sanguine Saturday at Dialectic Dichotomy. The big wedding of my friend is over. I saw a new therapist today. I have a new job, albeit at the same office for the same company. I hope I'm turning over a new leaf. I think a good way to talk about it without having a loooong drawn out bit of prose is with these:
 

Success Stories

- I overcame phone call anxiety got a new therapist and saw her today.

- My friend's wedding went off without any major issues and was beautiful and fun.

- I was able to re-negotiate to take the editorial position at my work and now I don't have to sell advertising anymore.

Gratitude/Happy Things

- My boyfriend was wonderfully supportive, sociable, kind and overly helpful the entire wedding weekend, including nursing me during my post-wedding hangover yesterday.

- I had some in-depth conversations with a longtime girl-friend (also bridesmaid), we expressed our mutual affection and are going to spend more time together.

- This song by The Avett Brothers. It's happy and sweet.

Challenges
- Work is still very busy and over-scheduled and I still feel overwhelmed by it.

- My house is a wreck and I'm having trouble focusing on cleaning it. 

- My therapy is very expensive and I will have to set a real budget because my insurance won't pay.

Wish my back patio looked like this. One day?

Why Is it so hard?

I can't believe that it was over 10 ten days ago that I wrote that last post. It feels like it was yesterday. And yet, feels like years.

I came here to vent a little bit, just to get one thing off my chest. I saw that  I had some new people commenting. That made me feel good. Thank you for your support! I hope that I can one day be more present in this blog space, and have a chance to offer my own support to you all, as I've tried to do in the past. And maybe write some happy things again one day.

Back to my vent: Why is it so hard to get help?

After I made that last post on april 20, I went to the doctor for a severe sinus infection because I suddenly had a fever. Then, I had a breakdown in front of the nursing student who was taking my temperature. I told her, "Yes, I'm having a severe sinus infection and I NEED to get better. But I have to tell you: I need to see a therapist or a psychiatrist, or both. Can you, or anyone that you know, refer me to someone? I've called about 20 places with no answers."

That was nearly 2 weeks ago. I finally got in touch with the referred doctor's office today. Problems with the insurance because it's out of state or something and there's a delay. I told her...forget it. I'll just pay for it. I'll take another job, do whatever I have to do. Then, I find out that the psychiatrist is going out of the country. The other one is going out of town. Seriously. I have never had an easy time getting a doctor's appt. Do doctors even work? They're never available when I need them and never have been.

So I won't be able to do a mediation evaluation until June. I know that I need medication at this point. It's beyond my control. I need therapy AND meds. Luckily, I was persistent and she made me an appt. for next week with the counselor until the Pdoc comes back into town. I just need something, anything, to hold on to. Therapy will work for now. I'm trying to avoid the expense, embarrassment, and potential employment consequences of hospitalization. I'm not in any immediate danger of harming myself, but this isn't getting any better.

I JUST WANT SOME HELP. THAT'S ALL I WANT. WHY IS IT SO HARD?