Why Is it so hard?

I can't believe that it was over 10 ten days ago that I wrote that last post. It feels like it was yesterday. And yet, feels like years.

I came here to vent a little bit, just to get one thing off my chest. I saw that  I had some new people commenting. That made me feel good. Thank you for your support! I hope that I can one day be more present in this blog space, and have a chance to offer my own support to you all, as I've tried to do in the past. And maybe write some happy things again one day.

Back to my vent: Why is it so hard to get help?

After I made that last post on april 20, I went to the doctor for a severe sinus infection because I suddenly had a fever. Then, I had a breakdown in front of the nursing student who was taking my temperature. I told her, "Yes, I'm having a severe sinus infection and I NEED to get better. But I have to tell you: I need to see a therapist or a psychiatrist, or both. Can you, or anyone that you know, refer me to someone? I've called about 20 places with no answers."

That was nearly 2 weeks ago. I finally got in touch with the referred doctor's office today. Problems with the insurance because it's out of state or something and there's a delay. I told her...forget it. I'll just pay for it. I'll take another job, do whatever I have to do. Then, I find out that the psychiatrist is going out of the country. The other one is going out of town. Seriously. I have never had an easy time getting a doctor's appt. Do doctors even work? They're never available when I need them and never have been.

So I won't be able to do a mediation evaluation until June. I know that I need medication at this point. It's beyond my control. I need therapy AND meds. Luckily, I was persistent and she made me an appt. for next week with the counselor until the Pdoc comes back into town. I just need something, anything, to hold on to. Therapy will work for now. I'm trying to avoid the expense, embarrassment, and potential employment consequences of hospitalization. I'm not in any immediate danger of harming myself, but this isn't getting any better.

I JUST WANT SOME HELP. THAT'S ALL I WANT. WHY IS IT SO HARD?