My Day Job

My day job, and really my life at times, seems to revolve around weddings.


I actively contribute to the Wedding Industrial Complex. It's literally my job, because I sell advertising to wedding vendors. I'm morally opposed to it, and even a little morally opposed to marriage in some contexts. The trade-off is that I get by-lines in the stories I write about weddings, and I get to be in charge of a section in the newspaper and a lil' yearly magazine. It's amazing experience for me. Weddings disgust me and enthrall me at the same time. Their existence turns my head around. Mostly, weddings just bother me. This morning I found some great blogs written by cool women that make me feel very un-alone in my dilemma:

http://apracticalwedding.com/

http://hitchdied.wordpress.com/

http://2000dollarwedding.com/

Laying It All Out There

Things have been pretty down. Last week when I was feeling up, that little sigh in the back of my head whispered, "you know what happens next..." and I knew, like I knew from the moment a few years back that I was going to battle depression for the rest of my life.

I started doing something when I was an adolescent: I started to forget. My home was far from peaceful, and while I was only physically abused one time (that I recall), nearly every day was a knock-down-drag-out yelling match between at least 2 of the 4 family members. I would swear to myself that I was going to be silent, that when I got in the car from school I would not speak except for the minimum. I would promise myself that no matter what my younger brother did to annoy me, I would not make a peep, lest cause a torrential downpour of angry from my wrathful mother. She would slam cabinets (her favorite) and stomp through the house, making the rest of us miserable. Finally, she would start to yell and yell and scream and cry. We would have words; her and my dad would yell at one another about something. It was nearly every day.

So this is what I did : I started forgetting what happened. I would often end up engaged in the argument, feebly attempting to defend myself or whoever was being verbally attacked, and end up being in the middle of the fight. Things would get so out of control...the point would get lost...obviously the real point was something far beyond what we were actually talking about...longtime resentments or vendettas between my parents...something or other. The argument would get so nasty, would never be resolved, and would end in all parties retreated to their corners of the house, the women in tears, the men feigning disinterest and setting their jaws. During these moments, I felt grief, unbearable sadness, and helplessness. I remember being very young and trying to reason with myself, trying to understand what the fights were really about. I grew out of that and instead, let the pain wash over me for a short time, stifle it, and move on. I had great friends, better friends than a person could ask for, and as I got older, I would call them and talk about...something else. It wasn't exactly like I was compartmentalizing, but I just would...forget. I didn't want to dwell on the episode.

I may have been able to revisit the argument days later, tempers cooled and parents receptive to finally hearing me or my brother or the other spouse's side. Except not. Tempers seemed to never cool, because another blow up from Mom was on the way. Within 2 or 3 days, there was another horrible night to endure feeling trapped in a place that wasn't my home, that I didn't feel truly safe or loved, even if I was. Not to mention that my parents NEVER were receptive to other sides of the story. With no resolution, and constant conflict, it was hard to keep up with the detail of the fights, only that there was a dark spot in my memory from Thursday night...or whenever it was.

Now the conflicts are usually just with myself,raging and weeping at whatever inner pain or my outer circumstances. Often there are arguments with my boyfriend, except that we always come to resolutions. Still wish we didn't argue so much. I'm so terrified of becoming my parents, I'd literally rather die than be like them. Maybe that sounds melodramatic, but it's true.

Can I take it back?

What I said yesterday about getting caught up on sleep? I think that was more wishful thinking. I've been so tired and unable to focus at work the past two days.

I took 2 over-the-counter sleeping pills ( basically just benadryl) a bit ago. Maybe I will have a better quality of sleep tonight and not feel like a zombie tomorrow. I haven't been eating superbly healthy either. These things make a difference, or else I'm just obsessing.

Hmm...

Reading over some of my blog subscriptions today, and it seems like a lot of folks are having less than stellar time right now. Kinda wish we could all get together and play Taboo or something...

today my boss said blogging was passé

This plastic duck was in the office today. Not sure why...

I've been feeling good this last week. It's a welcome change from how I've felt this year so far. The production deadline for our major biannual publication overlapped with our bimonthly pub, which was right on the heels of my wedding magazine project that came out in December. It was insane, and things feel a smidge more relaxed now that those things are finished. I was working heavily on production (graphic design, scheduling photoshoots, copy editing) and my saleshuman duties took a back seat during this time.

I found out on Friday that there would be some changes around the office. We have a satellite office with 3 workers, 2 of which are going to be consolidated into our office and the other worker has been laid off. I don't really know any of these people, but one is going to take my place as the designer second-in-command so that I can focus 100% on sales. GREAT. (That was sarcasm by the way). If I wanted to just make money, and be an ad sales exec, I would have finished college in 2.5 years, went straight to get an MBA, and moved to New York or somewhere and hopefully be having power lunches and crushing testicles (pardon the hard language) by now. As it was, I decided to go for my dreams for some silly reason and study art and writing. I took the sales position because I saw it as a necessary evil for me to get to write and design 30% of the time.

Now that that's being taken away from me, as well as the brand-new awesome Mac computer we just got at work, I feel even more motivated to start making my sales quota and finish out the year and MOVE ON.

If I was feeling like I was 2 weeks ago, I probably would have been unable to handle these changes. I would have had a breakdown, maybe even while at work. Luckily, there have been a few sunny days, I've been able to catch up on sleep, and it's an "up" time in the "up and down" schedule of my moods. So, I'm taking these changes as a personal and professional challenge, will suck it up and put on my "saleslady" hat (er..push up bra and power high heels) and sell some damn ads so I can say I did it. In the meantime, I plan on saving up the extra money and TRYING to apply for grad schools.

evening plans and Hipstamatic

My earring bulletin board thingie. I caved and got the Hipstamatic deal for iPhone.

Planning on going out tonight. I love to dance, but I rarely get an opportunity to do so other than in my kitchen while doing the dishes or something. There's not a ton of decent "clubs" where I am, but there are a handful. This evening, plans include going out to the new gay club with my best buddy R. He recently broke up with his boyfriend of over a year, so I don't think he's ready to "look" for someone, but gay clubs are fun, and this one is new and we want to check it out. Dancing is accepted and accessible, and drag shows can be entertaining. I can most likely avoid being groped repeatedly or having to be judged and not let in the club because I'm not showing enough skin.

More Hipstamatic:

 

 

 

My TV area needs major redecorating help. 

Just a Bit out of it this evening...

My workdays are 95% fast-paced, detail-oriented, and include a wide variety of tasks. It can be pretty high-stress. I had a deadline today, like I do every Thursday, which is when the wedding and engagement section that I work on is due. This week's story is the wedding of the year. It's kind of cool that I got to go, got to interview the couple, and will have so many people locally who are interested in reading what I have to say about it. It is ridiculous that someone would spend $150,000+ on a wedding, but I guess there are worse things to spend one's money on, if one has enough to burn like that.

All of the hullabaloo has my brain a little fried.

Switching gears, I have 3 new books that have come in the mail this week. I've been casually interested in studying spirituality, particularly Eastern spirituality and religion, for a long time. I just don't know what resources I should use. I bought "A History of God" and "The Great Transformation", both by Karen Armstrong. Those are more general interest I think. Then I bought "Yoga: A Discipline of Freedom" , which is supposed to be one of the best modern translations of ancient yogic text. I figure it's a realistic attempt at finding information at the source.

Will try to keep all posted on these seekings and readings, although I can't promise when I'll have the time and brain power to do so. Probably will take a couple of weeks...

Thank you

So much to the new and old blog friends who've read and commented, even if there's only a lovely little handful if you ;)
I've been looking forward to reading blogs and blogging the past few days, and having something meaningful to look forward to always helps. If there's anything I have learned
About depression, it's that prevention of mood swings is the best way to stop yourself from getting Really down in the dumps. Speaking of prevention
My therapist has been kind of weird and unavailable. He's a pretty unconventional doctor, which is probably why we work Well together, but I'm not sure why he's being flaky. I just need to call.
Speaking of prevention again, it's been a busy and productive day and it's already past my bed time. Must prevent sleeping at inappropriate times tomorrow. Zzz...

very, very bad luck

I mentioned that I just bought an iphone about 3 days ago, signed a brand-new 2-year contract.
Today I get an email from my corporate office saying that the company is going to be providing us with iphones & plans for free.

REALLY?! Is this happening?!

I am already going to have to pay about $400 in termination fees (didn't realize it was $200 per line) on my old T-Mobile phone plan, plus the upstart cost of my new plan with AT&T. I have been really, really excited about this iphone, and it's already making my life easier. Something good, right? Something positive?

Now I found out that the company is going to stop giving us stipends unless we basically sell them our phone number. I just changed the number I've had for nearly 8 years so I could have an iphone, and now I'm going to have to give it up AGAIN so my company will pay for it...or, I'm going to have to basically have 2 phones and pay fully for one of them and not use the other, because the plan is REQUIRED.

I can't believe this. Thousands of dollars, wasted. I have been so happy about this new phone, and proud of me and J's phone situation straightened out after months of annoyance. So, of course, something ridiculous and completely out of the blue happens immediately afterwards. I feel like these things ALWAYS happen to me. Like there's always something that kills my joy. I know it's just a phone, and people are dying and suffering with "real" problems in the world...but this was a small victory in my life that has been squashed by...the universe.