So after that last post, you see what kinds of behavior I exhibit when I'm on a rampage. I'm still not entirely comfortable with saying I'm in a manic state. I don't never if it's healthier or better to externalize the behavior - blame it on the disease, basically -- or whether it's better to just say 'I was a bitch, and I can never do that again." I still haven't decided if I actually accept my bipolar II diagnosis.
Thursday night wasn't nearly as bad as the night I described in one way. It was very different. We got into a discussion about marriage or something. His feelings seem to be that he doesn't want to do it for another 6 years (before we turn 30.) He's expressed concern that he won't be able to "travel the world" as he wants to because he's with me. I'm not exactly clear on this, because I've made it entirely clear to him that I want him to do exactly as he wishes as far as traveling or moving. I think that we could handle a long-distance relationship, and I'm willing to do that as long as there's a plan of action for when we will be getting together again.
He also has reservations about me, I think mostly because of my mental health issues. I am kind of feeling now like the bipolar II diagnosis has scared him. He's been to therapy with me twice, has been supportive of the recent steps I've taken to get treatment, but this week when I was acting like a horrid, mean, person, I think he had finally had enough. He doesn't think I'm ready to marry (I never said I was ready at the moment) and doesn't want to be with me if it's a constant cycle of happy-crazymean-depressed and then again. I can't blame him.
On the other hand, I have some reservations about him. He doesn't have a job and doesn't seem to have any intention of seeking a regular source of income any time soon. My constant work stress probably hasn't helped his view of full-time employment. I know that he's JUST finished his undergraduate, but his current plan is to spend the next 6-8 months studying and applying to the one grad school he wants to go to. I don't know if he understand how difficult it will be to get in, and I don't know if he understand that going 6-8 months without any kind of income at all is a little...irresponsible? annoying to me?
Also, he smokes about half a pack a day, sometimes more, and dips chewing tobacco 2-3 times a day. I've made it clear to him from the first few months of our relationship that I wouldn't marry him if he smoked. I thought that I was being fair and clear, but apparently that has just pissed him off from the beginning.
So add those issues to the predictable issues like "what and where will our jobs be? where will we live? when and why should we get married, if we even should?" and we had a very emotional discussion that left me feeling rejected, inadequate, and frankly, used. I am afraid of waking up one day, realizing that I've spent 10 years with someone who has no intention of marrying me, even though I'm not entirely sure why I want to get married or if I 100% do. J.'s argument is "why do we have to decide the rest of our lives right now..." and he's right. But I get psycho and it's also the fear of wasting time...this shouldn't be an issue. Time is not wasted if it's enjoyable. And I guess that's another issue. I'm not fun to be around when I'm wacky. I get mad when J. doesn't help as much as I want him to, and he gets annoyed with me when I'm being super Type A and want to plan and discuss everything in our lives 100 times.
When I woke up on Friday morning, I was still emotional and upset. I felt anger pulsing through me, a rage, I wasn't really sure why. I had exhausted my already exhausted self crying and crying the night before. I was super rude to him as I was getting ready for work...he was in bed, usually he says a few things to me. My answers were short or I just ignored him. I slammed a door a little bit. I felt used and abused. I couldn't focus at work. I instead composed a hugely long email, detailing how we need to "take a step back" and starting "acting like boyfriend and girlfriend instaed of acting like we're about to get married" and how we shouldn't depend on each other for different things. I guess I just felt like things were too seriously intertwined for all the rest of the doubts that we had. I didn't send the email, but it sure didn't help me calm down or focus on my work.
J. tried to send me a text about something random, as we like to do (I ignored it) and then called to check in at work, a sweet thing that he does. I was still on my angry high horse (about 12 hours straight of pure manic rage by now) and I don't know what I said to him, but it wasn't good communication. I think I sort of spat out a few thins in the email, without all the explanations and context. I guess he basically thought I was breaking up with him or going completely off the deep end, because he then sprang into action. I guess he took all his stuff from my house. He didn't want to talk to me, said he needed some space. I thought we might talk later.
I went bananas, running around my house, ripping things apart, shaking my fists. I felt out of control and I wasn't about to get any kind of release. I was able to restrain myself from calling him, and even deleted his number from my phone since he had asked for space (of course I have it memorized.) I just felt horrible. My bodily movements were jerky and I felt like I do when I'm just about to lose my mind. It's like I can feel around the edges of insanity, like I'm almost to the point where I'll starting drooling and yelling nonsensical things. I took a stack of magazines and ripped them apart, making a huge mess.
After a bit, I realized that I had promised my old roommate that I would meet her for dinner. SOMEHOW I pulled myself together, I cleaned the house I had just messed up, I put on clothes and makeup and a smile and although I didn't feel quite right, I went on out as if nothing was wrong. I don't know how I did it, and I still felt shaky. J. called me while I was out - he wanted to let me know that he dropped off my laundry. I later found the key in the mailbox. He didn't want to talk to me. "Not tonight," he said.
Saturday I didn't call, I was trying to give him space. I just did my thing and went to work (yes I know, of course I went to work on a Saturday.) Later he asked if he could come to my work to bring me some of my things - a book he had borrowed and a childhood coin bank I had left over there. I went out to his car, tried not to cry, tried to be mature. I didn't know what was happening, but it felt like a big deal. I tried to say that I wasn't trying to break up with him, tried to ask him what was going on, but he couldn't really form words, either. I of course ended up crying. He uninvited me to his graduation dinner, and I said I still wanted to go to the commencement the next day. He said that would be awkward, but I insisted that I wanted to go, and that I would go by myself instead of going with his family. I told him I had some grad. gifts, and he said he didn't want to take anything else from me. He motioned to his shirt, and his shorts 'all this is from you' he said. He said I wasn't ready to get married, that he would "probably always love me" and that he wanted to be my friend.
I'm realizing now as I relive this that he was basically breaking up with me. I'm not 100% sure what is going on. I didn't contact him at all that night, or Sunday. The only time I've talked to him is on Sunday after his graduation when he texted me "thank you for coming today." His dad just happened to be right outside the door as I was leaving and saw me. I was trying to avoid seeing his family - I don't know what he's telling them. I texted back my congratulations, and that's it.
I feel like it's just a waiting game for a while. I want to resolve things, but I realize that cooling off and space is probably good. Besides, I think that I am still pretty manic or whatever and rule #1 of being manic is not to have any discussions or make any major decisions. It feels like a little too late for that, though.
No comments:
Post a Comment