A definition

I have a love for J. that is real. It's deep and it's strong. Wanting to end my relationship with him would be for shallow reasons - the same kinds of shallow reasons that have damaged our relationship. Because other people don't like him, because other people think that he is not productive, because other people think that he should marry me. I am different. I am not like other people. I can take care of myself, provide for myself, fill my time with things other than marriage. But I do love J. I do want him to be a part of my life. I want to talk to him, sit with him, make love to him. Doubts are natural in any relationship. Other people's doubts have always been stronger than my own. My plans and dreams have worked out, despite other people's idea of what I should be doing. This should be no different.

I appreciate a strong person, an individual. I am one myself. I am. Even though the last year or more has expressed otherwise. I have achieved much and I am capable of achieving much. I have suddenly remembered this, this that I knew all along, but forgot for a while.

I want J. in my life, and if he doesn't want to be, then I will have no choice but to move on. If he needs time to experience life on his own, then it's going to depend on the picture and the degree of our relationship. I don't know if I want to deal with an un-clean break. If he thinks that he could, I might consider it.

But if time is all he needs, then time is what I have. I have lots of things that I can focus on in the meantime. A new job, a grad school, a published story, actually writing a story that could be published, a lot of books that I haven't read, a lot of hours that I can spend writing, reading, dancing, meeting and fostering friendships. I am not interested in pursuing another person in my life. I am not interested in spending time seeking out, finding, and pursuing men. I am really uninterested. I am not motivated by sex, and while I may be motivated by the excitement of "the chase" with men, the emotional navigation required is just...not worth it. Why have I gone through my boy crazy phase now and dedicated to one person? I've spent so much time and energy on this relationship and probably pushed it much further than it should have gone. Four years? Four years out of eighty isn't much. Four years is a lot to bond over, but the number is not a reason to push things. Back when folks got married at 16 with only a few months of courtship, they only had about 20 years to hang out before they died.

At J.'s commencement, the guy said that we should take advantage of our life expectancy. I plan to do that by being open to J.'s decision. As long as I don't feel used, I am down for this.